Trying to write through a block. The first thing that pops into my head is "Why does it matter." I'm not sure the world needs another white guy sitting in front of a MacBook Pro — in fact, I'm positive that's the last thing the world needs and there should be legal measures taken against it. If the general populace does not already have laws preventing people like me taking up space in coffee shops, we must elect people who will enact that sort of legislature. It's unacceptable.
Anyway. I overheard some guy in a polo shirt and a 10:30 haircut was talking about business, about work. He was talking about to his bored girlfriend. Sometimes I'll talk about work to my wife, and I saw the woman making the same face my wife does: a look not unlike a baker suddenly realizing he never turned the oven on. We shouldn't talk about our jobs outside of work. This notion of always-on is absurd, stressful, loathsome.
I'm not sure I understand LinkedIn, or Slack, or B2B or B2C worlds. Mostly because I don't understand the language, or rather, I protest against it. The thing that strikes me most is the way that companies talk about themselves. Nobody talks like that. If someone came up to you today and whispered the word "skill sets" or "likability" you'd punch them, hard, in the mouth. Also: I object to being pinged (although I'm flattered). I think that companies forget how to be people, and then they forget how to talk like people. And then they forget what people are entirely and assume that we're all companies too and then talk about work all the time. Or they do the other thing, the worst thing, which is trying to be your friend. Please, no more friends. You're an insurance company, not a good neighbor. Stop enlisting comedians to try and soften the fact that you're a cell phone company that charges $140 a month for literally the air. You want to try and sell me a Pepsi because it's the choice of this generation / past generations? Please. Fuck young people. And old people, too. If corporations really want to be people, then maybe act like a person.
(As you can tell from my extravagant wealth and exceptional tailoring, this whole "fuck The Man!" attitude has proved itself an extremely lucrative and successful business strategy for me.)
You know what I love? Local commercials for businesses. Just some guy named Steve telling you about what he does and why you should give two shits. I like Steve. He isn't trying to be your friend. He just really loves good hardwood floors (me too!). I also like the dudes in the coffee shop on sales calls. They're the best. Because they are IN the coffee shop acting like they are OUT of the coffee shop. They have balls of steel because you can hear the baristas playing goddam Radiohead in the background while this pro in the cargo shorts is using his or her best "I'm an oil man and this is my boy" voice to close a deal to pay their rent. That's business. I have friends with fantastic jobs but I have no idea what they do other than go to conferences to sit on a panel and talk about how great their company is. Then some guy with a wireless microphone who uses his hands to talk like a deaf Italian mob boss talks about "disruption." (Can we not disrupt things anymore? Everything is disrupted now. Those in marketing must instead set about rereputing things now.) Am I jealous that I wasn't invited to the party? A little. It'd be nice to make big money, but it's also nice to explain what I do in a sentence.
Anyway. Thank you for your time. I'm available for kids parties.